Live is too short..time flies.. you never realize how true it is until it’s too late. You wake up one day and realize that a quarter of your life has just flown by without you noticing. Everyone around you is buying a house, getting married, or having kids (although usually in different orders). You never realize you are going to miss someone until they gone. You don’t realize that even the shortest interactions can mean the most. The most influential person I met during my college experience was Courtney.
I only knew her for about six months but she had the greatest impact on my recent life and I wish I could have let her know. Courtney was such a beautiful girl, and she had the world at her feet. But, when you looked in her eyes you could see her sadness. I never found out why she was so sad, and I wish now that I would have so that maybe I could have helped her more. I was reluctant to know, because when I saw her—when I talked to her—I felt like I was talking to myself. I used to be like her, hell I still am to a point. She had a great family, amazing friends, and so much going for her but she wasn’t happy. She laughed… a lot. But even in her laughter, you could tell there was some darkness shadowing over her.
I wish I could have helped her find a way to get better, a way to be happier. I couldn’t even do that for myself! So why would I think I could help her? She did try to get better. And, from how it sounded, she did. Yet, in the end her time was cut short and many people were left wondering ‘why?’.
I’m not quite sure why I’m thinking about her right now. Maybe because my uncle is dying, and even at the age of 85, I can see how much he wishes he could have accomplished. I do not think that anyone can ever truly accept death because there is always going to be something that you wish you had done, something you should have said, some unfinished business that you feel you can accomplish—if only there was more time. And what about the people left behind? Are we suppose to say “Well, he lived a good life” or “She’s in a better place now” because even when we say it, we know that we would move Heaven and Earth to bring them back again.
I have never lost anyone close to me until Courtney, and now I feel like such an ass for telling people all of the stupid things people say to make you feel better when someone dies. No one wants to hear “they’re in a better place” because how can any place be better than them being with their family and friends? So, I have decided that there is nothing that can be said that will make it better because nothing can make it better. We have to try to move on and stop asking “What could I have done differently” and just live each day as it comes, but that is still so hard to do. Part of me feels that I could have done more, asked for help sooner, taken comments more seriously, but I didn’t. There is nothing I can do about it now, so my only hope is that next time I will react better. Next time I will ask for help right away. Next time I will take everything more seriously. Next time maybe I’ll make a difference.
For now, I’d like to say that I will tell everyone everything I’ve ever wanted to say to them, live life without regrets, and appreciate every moment. Yet, I am realistic. I know that there are plenty of things that I should say to people I went to high school with, things that I should tell those closest to me that I have held so close to my heart for years now. I have hidden a lot, I used to be filled with a lot of darkness—a lot of sadness, and I never talked to anyone. I still hold a lot of it inside me, but I’ve gotten better at hiding it—better at dealing with it. The only person I opened up to about any of this was Courtney, and only because I thought it would help to know that she wasn’t alone. I just hate that being sad or upset or anything other than happy is seen as taboo—unless it’s in a FB status because then it’s cool. I wish people would just open up to each other and stop hiding their feelings, but as I said before this is not realistic. Hell, I don’t believe people can even be honest with themselves all the time.
There are people (one person, actually) that I wish I had been better friends with in high school, but couldn’t be anything more than acquaintances because I always held myself in competition with this person when in actuality I may just have had a crush on him and was afraid to admit it. I always told myself that come graduation day I was going to tell everyone how I felt about them, but the day came and went and I never spoke a word. Friends have come and gone and I’ve never done much to keep them close. I suck at friendships, because I suck at getting close to anyone. I guard myself because I do not want to get hurt. This whole thing took a random turn but my basic point is that time flies—no matter how cliché—it does, and if you don’t stop and take a look around you might lose sight of who you are and who you want to be.
